i'm really super excited about the new page.

lovin' the black-eyed susans... they make me happy!!!

it's been a long time since i've written in here.  i now write more often other places (myspace, facebook, my journal...) but i'm feeling rather nostalgic at the moment so i thought i'd go back to good old xanga.  i've changed a great deal in the past 2 years, and although it hasn't been chronicled through my words on these pages, i've re-read some things i've written and it's been something completely fascinating to see in hindsight.

i've already posted this blog elsewhere.  my brother then commented on it and, typically, there was some miscommunication.  i rarely get out all my thoughts in one blog and it generally ends up confusing somehow... so here's the blog and then my brother's comment and then my comment back...

interesting things to think about, in my humble opinion.

i think too much

my past.

a bit of honesty:  the cat and mouse has been a fantastic game in my life.  i have played it well and used it to my advantage to the max.  but for the most part, the power struggles and games have been a bitch and i’ve stopped.  it gets old, to be honest.  the ability to manipulate is powerful, yes, but it’s also a curse.  when no one calls you on your shit, you realize that you can’t trust anyone with who you are, because they’ll always be wary of you.

so i stopped.  i had to.  because it’s a lonely place when no one knows you, and you’re constantly trying to figure out the next step, the next move that will win the game... and in that lonely place, you don’t really respect anyone, not even yourself.
 
and so in becoming real i’ve gained some truly amazing friends.  and i learned to love and not fear the outcome, jump in regardless of the pain that might follow.  and i’ve learned that from my brokeness, there comes beauty.  and that in self-preservation, i’m just digging my own grave.
 
so yes.  despite my past.  despite my games and my manipulation, i’ve had people stand by me who still love me.  and i have new friends that i don’t test, because i don’t want to loose them.  and now, i don’t build walls, and i don’t play games, and i choose not to use those skills which are so finely tuned and so inately engraved upon my soul...
 
but to be completely honest, i still have that ability.  it became part of me a long time ago.  if i want to, i can pretty much get anything i want.  i can twist a situation so it’s your fault.  i can make you feel like a horrible person, despite the fact that i screwed up.  i can make you buy me that ridiculous gift that i don’t need or even really want... 

that’s not me being conceited or bragging, it’s generally a fact.  and sometimes even though i don’t use that power, it’s good enough knowing i could do it if i wanted... knowing exactly what i’d say when a situation arises... rehearsing the lines in my head...

oscar wilde said that "insincerity and treachery somehow seem inseperable from the artistic temperament" which is something i’ve been struggling witih lately... this dichotomy of my soul to seek out what’s good and true and lovely and yet see if it’s still necessary to suffer to produce art.  i’m not sure if that makes complete sense, but... oh well.
 
over the rhine has these great lyrics from one of my favorite songs that goes:
there is all this untouched beauty
the light the dark both burning through me
is there still redemption for everyone?
 
things i think about often.  i’m way too contemplative.  there’s too much in my head.

thank god i have jesus b/c if i didn’t i think i’d be this huge manipulative, vain, bitchy chick with issues i haven’t worked though and emotions that spiral out of control.

and most likely, you would hate me.  maybe you still do.

i’m probably over it. 

but also, i probably love you anyways.

clarification to my last blog...

after i wrote all of that and posted it on my facebook, my brother responded with this: